insecurity – Page 2 – The Adventures of Ryan Takahashi

The Adventures of Ryan Takahashi: Chapter Eight – My Small Asian Penis

“Please don’t get me wrong, Ryan. I love your body. You have a very nice body.” Cindi assures me.

I sense a “but” somewhere.

“Thank you, Cindi. But I think you’ve just let the cat out of the bag.”

Cindi strokes my thigh and works up to my scrotum. I think now is the best time to talk about something like this. And believe it or not, we still haven’t had “sex” yet. Am I still a virgin, or does oral sex count as actual sex (insert your own presidential joke here)?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t think you’re small down there. I’m serious.”

“Look, you don’t have to be nice to me. I don’t think I’m tiny, but I know for a fact that I’m not big. You at least have to admit that.”

Cindi kisses me on the shoulder and starts to rub up and down my flaccid shaft. It shows no signs of life.

“Let’s not talk about this.”

“I sort of…do want to talk about this. It’s a major insecurity of mine.”

“Is it?”

“Yes. We’ve all heard the stereotype, right?”

I look straight into Cindi’s dark black eyes. She stops stroking me and understands this is a “serious” conversation. Cindi sighs.

“That Asian men have small penises?”

“Yes. That stereotype.”

“It hurts, doesn’t it?”

“Very much. It hurts deeply. But not in a way that makes me angry. In a way that makes me feel…less of a man.”

This revelation causes Cindi to hug me tightly. The feel of her strong arms wrapping around my body sends shivers down my spine. I wonder if she can feel that.

“You’re a man. There’s no doubt about it. You’re definitely a man. You’re more of a man than a lot of men I’ve met.”

“Really? How so?”

“I’ve met hundreds of male bodybuilders in my life. Most of them are very nice, but some can be total douchebags. When I work out at the gym, I hear what guys talk about. There’s so much sexism in weight rooms.”

I nod my head in agreement. “Tell me about it. At the gym I work at, I meet tons of guys who are total jerks. I don’t talk to them.”

Cindi massages my shoulders with her strong hands. I feel my penis start to come to life, but I still need some more time.

“But you’re different, Ryan. You’re kind, respectful, smart, funny and the total opposite of a douchebag.”

“Thank you. I try to be nice.”

“That’s why I invited you up here to my home. That’s why I felt comfortable to take you to my bed. From the moment I saw you at the coffee shop, you looked like a nice boy. You’re someone I can talk to without having to be someone else.”

“Someone else? Who else can you be?”

“It’s complicated, but for a female bodybuilder like me, you have to take on several personalities. You have to be strong, but feminine. You have to be tough, but nurturing. You have to be muscular, but still sexy. You have to be strong-willed, but still approachable. That sort of thing.”

“Is there a lot of pressure for FBBs to act a certain way?”

The question causes Cindi to fall to her back and stretch out. The sight of her eight-pack abs lying right beside me is enough to make my penis half-engorged.

“Oh, I could write a whole book on that subject. We’ll save that for another day.”

Cindi releases another sigh and I lie down on my side and stroke her abs. I admire her chiseled body like it’s a piece of valuable art. As far as I’m concerned, her body is art.

“Do you mind if I ask you a personal question, Cindi?”

She purrs like a cat as I stroke her tummy. I think she appreciates my appreciation of all her long, hard hours working out at the gym.

“Go for it. In this room, there are no such things as personal questions. This is a no-bullshit zone.”

“Alright.” I let out a sigh of my own. “Does size really matter?”

The look on Cindi’s face changes from mellow to full-of-concern. It appears she’s struggling to find the proper words to answer my question.

“Honestly?”

“Yes. Honestly. I want to know your opinion.”

Silence.

“For me, size does matter,” Cindi finally says.

My mouth forms a defensive smile. Inside I feel like I want to scream bloody murder.

“Really?”

Cindi gets up and wraps her muscular arms around me again. She kisses my shoulder again (this is a move she’s done a few times before. What’s with her and kissing shoulders?)

“Yeah. Size does matter for me. Do you want to know more?”

“Yes. As unusual as that sounds, I do want to know more. Do you not want to share?”

“No, no. I have nothing to hide. I’m perfectly willing to share anything. Well, I’ve had many sex partners, both men and women. As far as men are concerned, the best sex I’ve ever had was with men who were, more, uh, better endowed.”

“Uh huh.” This is my cue for her to continue speaking. She takes the hint.

“One lover of mine, his name was Jake, was a fellow bodybuilder. He was a natural bodybuilder who competed at a lot of the same shows as me. We became casual friends after a few encounters and quickly became lovers. He was gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. He was tall, muscular, handsome as a movie star and gentle as a can be. We made love constantly.”

“How long were you in a relationship with him?”

“A long time. About eleven years. He’s the father of my third child.”

“Were you close to marrying him?”

“Very close. We were briefly engaged, before I caught him with another woman. His ex. Apparently, he hadn’t completely gotten over her. That was eleven years down the drain.”

“But you had a child with him.”

“True, so I suppose there were benefits. But he was a beautiful man, even though he broke my heart.”

I quickly change the subject.

“So…he was a good lover?”

“Yes! He was obviously beautifully built, but even more impressive was his penis. God, it was gorgeous. That penis was a work of art.”

“How big was it?”

“We measured him one time. Fully erect, he was seven and a half inches long.”

Seven and a half inches long? Holy shit!!!

“That’s…big. Very big. I’m not nearly as big.”

Ironically, it was at this moment that my erection returned. Right on schedule. Cindi sees it and strokes it tenderly. What was she thinking as she stroked my small penis? Was she longing for the days when Jake was ramming his mammoth manhood into her?

“Don’t worry about that. You’re fine. Just fine.”

“How do you know? We haven’t had sex yet.”

Cindi kisses me on the lips and cups my face. She looks directly into my eyes.

“Darling, don’t compare yourself to others. Ever. You’re a beautiful man, regardless of how you measure up to other guys. Size isn’t the only thing that’s important during sex.”

Size isn’t the only thing that matters? Was she being serious or was she lying? I had to know.

“What else is important?”

Sensing my insecurity, Cindi kisses my neck (wow, she can kiss me all day and I’d never complain!) before she speaks. Her face expresses concern, respect and oddly, love.

“First, love has to be there. And I don’t necessarily mean love between life partners, or soul mates, or anything like that. Love between two people.”

“Do you sense that type of love between us?”

“Strangely enough, yes I do. I do sense a certain type of love between us. Do you respect me?”

“I have nothing but respect for you.”

“Good. I respect you as well. Do you want me to be happy?”

“Everyone deserves happiness.”

“Great. I want you to be happy too.”

I kiss her lips. She kisses me back. Her left hand strokes my penis as her right hand interlocks with mine. My free hand starts to rub her enormous clitoris.

“In that case, we do love each other. We’re lovers.”

I laugh. “That’s funny considering we just met each other.”

“It is funny, but do you feel that special feeling for me?”

I think about it for a moment. The more I thought about it, the more I understood what she was saying. I do feel a degree of affection for her. Cindi North, a female bodybuilder, is a woman I am falling in love with. How can this be?

“Yes, I feel that special feeling toward you. Lover.”

Maybe it was the way I said the word “lover,” but Cindi looks very touched and a single tear falls down her cheek. I wipe it away and taste it. She tastes sweet.

“I want to make love to you, Cindi,” I whisper in her ear.

Did I just say that? Did that just come out of my mouth? As if she’d just been hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer, Cindi kisses me on the cheek and stands up.

“Not tonight. Not tonight. Maybe next time,” she says.

“Did I do something wrong?” I feebly ask.

“No, not at all. I just think we should hold off on that until later. It’s just that…we’ve done enough for one night. We don’t want to use up all our tricks at once, right?”

I ponder about what she’s telling me. If she’s implying that there’s going to be a “later,” does that mean she likes me? Or at the very least, does this mean she tolerates me and wants to see me again? And why did she just suddenly get up? Is she falling in love with me too? I’m starting to have feelings for her, which makes no sense. We just met. Life can be so complicated!

“Do you want to see me again?” I meekly ask her.

She grins.

“The better question is: do you want to see me again?” she replies.

“Yes, Cindi. No doubt about it. I definitely want to see you again!”

“Good,” Cindi says, getting up and putting on her panties. It’s amazing how such a small piece of clothing can fit around her enormously tight butt. “I have to be at the gym tomorrow at 9 a.m. sharp. My weight training partner will be waiting for me.”

I take the hint and start to put my clothes back on. I marvel at Cindi as she stretches in front of a tall mirror. The marvelous structure of her amazing body will never get old to look at. I could stare at her lovely figure all day if I could. But, alas, my time tonight has come to an end.

“Who’s your training partner?”

“One of my best friends. Her name is Julie.”

“Is she the one who took the picture of you at the beach?”

“You mean the photo I sent you? Yes, she did. How’d you know?”

“A wild guess,” I say, now fully dressed. Cindi puts on a white silk bathrobe and escorts me out the door. My erection subsides.

As we walk down the stairs, I look up at a clock and see it’s nearing 11 p.m. Gee, where did the time go? Cindi takes me back to the living room and turns toward me.

“Did you have a good time?” she asks.

“Despite my, uh, unflattering beginning, yes. I did have a good time. Did you?”

“I had a great time. It’s been a while since a man has pleased me orally.”

“When was the last time a woman pleased you orally?” I ask jokingly.

Cindi laughs and snorts. She’s cute when she snorts, I’ve decided.

“You’d be surprised, Ryan honey. Do you need help finding your way home?”

“Nah, I can figure it out on my own. It’s just a bunch of backtracking.”

Neither of us says anything for a moment. We both know what needs to come next. Finally, she speaks.

“Do you want to come back here next Saturday night? You can come earlier and we could do dinner. I’ll make something nice and healthy.”

“Yes! That sounds great. When would be a good time?”

“Oh, I usually finish my Saturday workout at 4ish, so how about 5 o’clock? You can bring a bottle of wine. That could be your contribution.”

“A bottle of wine. I can handle that. I’ll be here right on the dot.”

“Great. I’ll see you then. Good night, Ryan,” she says, pecking me on the cheek.

I lean over, look up at her (remember, Cindi’s well over six feet tall) and kiss her back on the lips. The kiss lingers for a long time, as if it’s an expression of gratitude more than a way of saying good bye. Our lips come apart and I walk out the door toward my car.

Every single memory of what just transpired during the last few hours rush back to me. I don’t think I’ll be able to fully comprehend what I just experienced until tomorrow morning. I return to my car, start the engine and look back to see Cindi waving at me. I wave back as I drive off toward I-5. My evening with Cindi North has just come to an end.

And what a night it was.

The drive home did not take long. I drive carefully, seeing numerous cop cars on patrol looking for drunks. Finally, I reach my apartment and release a deep sigh as I close the door. I really need a shower. Badly. All that oral sex made me sweat bullets. I probably lost a lot of weight between sweating in anticipation, sweating during our bedroom time and my two ejaculations. Holy shit. Did all that just happen to me?

After turning on the hot water I undress and look down at my penis. My small Asian penis. I look at it not with scorn or embarrassment (as I would in a gym locker room), but with pride. Hell, my little penis was inside a strong, muscular woman’s mouth not too long ago. That’s quite an accomplishment for someone who’s still technically a virgin (I guess you need to do the whole “vaginal penetration” thing before you officially lose your virginity). Tonight, I look at my small penis proudly.

“We did it, little buddy. Maybe not all the way, but it’s a great start. We did it.”

I hop into the shower, clean myself, dry off, brush my teeth and collapse into bed. I must have fallen asleep instantly because I don’t remember much after that.

25 Things About My Sexuality

On March 24, 2012 yours truly was featured on the blog 25 Things About My Sexuality.

25 Things About My Sexuality is a blog where people anonymously submit 25 facts about their sexuality, much like that Facebook trend a few years back when people wrote notes expressing 25 (or 15 or 16, depending on how you first heard of this trend) interesting facts about themselves.

People are very open about themselves on this blog, mostly because talking about one’s own sexuality can be very liberating and because of the blanket of anonymity that goes with it. Nobody knows your name or where you live. What they do know about you is everything from your sexual orientation to how you lost your virginity to what kinds of dildos you prefer. Reading through these posts can be very enlightening, completely voyeuristic, a bit disturbing and sometimes hilarious.

I submitted my 25 facts to the blog’s editor and you can read them here or down below. You will definitely see how many similarities I share with my alter-ego, Ryan Takahashi. Enjoy!

1. I am a 25 year old heterosexual Japanese American man.

2. I am single and have never had a girlfriend. I reside in the Pacific Northwest and could very well be a victim of the infamous “Seattle freeze” syndrome where people in this city have a difficult time making friends. Maybe it’s the rain that brings us all down emotionally.

3. I am a virgin (laugh all you want!).

4. Please don’t get the image in your mind that I’m a hopeless loser who can’t talk to women. I can talk to women and have plenty female friends. I can be a bit shy and introverted at times, but the major reason why I’ve never had sex before is due to Item #4.

5. I grew up in a conservative Christian household. My mom is a moderate but my dad is definitely on the right side of the religious spectrum. I love them both and would never trade them for different parents. I grew up in the church believing sex outside of marriage is a sin that can lead to damnation in Hell. Though I’m a Protestant, I definitely have that “Catholic guilt” complex going on in my life even as an adult. I still go to church (I go to my mom’s church), but I don’t go as often as I did when I was a child. I still believe in God, even though I tend to question the church’s teachings.

6. I went to a private Christian university and received a great education there. I’m definitely a proud alumnus. But as expected, casual sex was not something that happened openly on my campus. Yes, non-marital sex does happen there, but it isn’t nearly as prevalent as it is on other campuses across America.

7. A smaller reason why I am still a virgin, outside of religious guilt, is my ethnicity. I’m Asian. And we all know the stereotype associated with Asian men: They all have small penises. It’s a stereotype that I openly laugh at and joke about in public (when I’m with friends, of course), but it’s a stereotype that deeply hurts me inside. The “Asian Men Have Baby Penises” stereotype goes deeper than just external anatomy. It desexualizes Asian men and places us in the category of being “less than a man” or “not a real man.” This social emasculation gives me a somewhat low self-esteem in the romance/sex department. I need to work on changing that.

8. Though there are plenty of exceptions, I find in my life that white Caucasian women are far less likely to date an Asian man than a man of any other race. Though interracial relationships are more common today than it used to be, the white woman/Asian man dynamic is still a very rare occurrence.

9. Related to Item #6 (this is more of a long essay than a list of 25 Things!), I find women of all colors to be beautiful. White, black, brown, red, yellow or mixed, women are unbelievably beautiful creatures. While most of my crushes have been on young Asian women (my current crush is a young lady who is half Japanese and half white), a gorgeous woman of any race or ethnicity will make my head turn. While I personally understand why some people prefer one race over the other, my sexual attraction is colorblind.

10. While my sexual attraction is colorblind, my preference in relationships is not. For reasons I cannot explain, I’d prefer to settle down with an Asian woman than a woman of any other color. Does this make me racist or tribalist? Perhaps. This unexplainable preference slightly bothers me.

11. Returning to the subject of Asian men and penis size, I am somewhat of a gym rat and spend anywhere between 6 to 8 hours at the gym per week working out. I mostly lift weights and do light cardio and stretching. While I don’t look anything like a bodybuilder or a professional athlete by any stretch of the imagination (I love watching football and baseball, but playing sports has never been my strength), I think I look fairly good naked. But my major insecurity when naked is that little penis hanging between my legs.

12. Is my penis really small? Truthfully, probably not. But that belief is so ingrained in my psyche that I believe it is. There’s an old joke that guys who have small penises drive large trucks and SUVs to compensate. Because I drive a medium-sized sedan, I compensate by building muscles at the gym. My toned body is my way of compensating. I have no idea if it works.

13. I’ve come to define my fear of having a small penis as “Small Penis Syndrome.” Those who suffer from SPS don’t necessarily have a small penis; they just think they do. SPS is all psychological and has little to do with reality.

14. Speaking of going to the gym, in the locker room I do what every guy does: I do research to see how I “measure” up. As far as my empirical observations go, flaccid penises come in all shapes and sizes. What really matters is the size of an erect penis, which of course no one has in a locker room. That would be awkward. But my casual observations lean toward Asian guys tending to have smaller endowments than our white, black and Latino peers. Is it true that black men have larger penises? Maybe. Some of the black guys that work out at my gym seem to be very well endowed.

15. I have two main fetishes that I don’t consider to be that odd: older women and female bodybuilders.

16. Being attracted to older women is pretty normal and has been explained many times. Older women are seen as more experienced, in need of sexual liberation (or awakening), it’s taboo, it’s looked down upon by society at large, etc. I won’t go into much detail about this.

17. Attraction toward female bodybuilders is a little less common but still not too far out there. I love women with large muscles. I find them incredibly sexy. I don’t find skinny, bony women to be that attractive. A thick, strong woman with big, bulging muscles is a major turn-on. Though I’ve never personally met an FBB, I’ve seen toned, athletic women at the gym. And trust me, they make it difficult to concentrate on my workout.

18. My idea of heaven on Earth would be to spend the night with a female bodybuilder. Just Google Lisa Cross, Karen Zaremba, Lynn McCrossin, Yvette Bova, Victoria Dominguez or Denise Masino to get an idea of what I’m talking about.

19. I watch porn occasionally, but what really turns me on is reading sexy scenes from romance books. Romance books written by women are preferable. One chapter out of a Linda Howard novel can turn me on more than watching an hour of mind-numbing predictable porn. I find most porn to be boring or disgusting.

20. I sometimes watch porn to see how well-endowed the male performers are. Some are very large, others appear more normal. Because I’m not attracted to men, I have no idea what sizes of penises straight women and gay men prefer to see in their porn.

21. I think there should be more Asian men doing porn, which is odd considering I don’t consider doing porn to be that noble of a profession. The more we see Asian men as sexual beings, the better society will become (and the dating pool for me!).

22. When I do watch or look at porn, I usually search for muscular women. Whether it’s two FBBs doing a lesbian scene, an FBB going solo or an FBB having sex with a man or fellow male bodybuilder, I prefer to see a muscular woman in action than a skinny, surgery-enhanced girl with fake breasts.

23. Speaking of which, I am not terribly crazy about breasts. I find a woman with small breasts to be more beautiful than a woman with large melons on her chest. And I consider myself to be a leg guy. A great pair of legs will make me go crazy. If the stereotype is that Asian men have small penises, there’s also the hurtful stereotype that Asian women have small breasts. I would imagine this stereotype would hurt them just as much as the small penis stereotype hurts me.

24. I masturbate about 4 to 5 times a week. Since I was 12, I’ve masturbated using the same method: I lay face-down naked in my bed and rub my penis against the mattress till climax. Essentially, this simulates missionary sex. Never once have I manually stimulated myself to orgasm, which is how we normally picture male masturbation.

25. And now, a factoid you’ve all been waiting for: When erect, my penis is 5.5 inches long and 4.75 inches in circumference. There you go. Is that small? Or normal? Or in between? I’ll let you decide.

The Adventures of Ryan Takahashi: Chapter Six – Premature Beginning

At least, I think she has a penis. She has a fairly substantial nub of flesh sticking out of her hairless crotch that looks to be the size of my thumb. Truthfully, it’s a very small penis, but it looks like a penis nevertheless.

“Oh, wow, is that…”

Cindi’s face becomes blank.

“What? Is that what?”

I point to her “penis.” I struggle to find words to speak.

“What is that? Is that a-”

“Penis?”

I nod my head awkwardly.

Cindi gives me a dirty look and bursts out laughing.

“No! It’s not a penis! I’m a woman, not a man. It’s my clitoris, you silly goose!”

Her clitoris? Seriously? That’s her clitoris?

Holy smokes!!!

Wow, that’s a huge clitoris! I swear it’s the size of my thumb. It’s just as thickness and shockingly the same length. I squint my eyes to take a closer look.

“It looks like a penis, but it’s my clit. Trust me, it’s a clit,” Cindi assures me once her laughter subsides.

Whoa! She’s one well-endowed lady.

“All those extra hormones I take do things to my body. It makes certain parts of me, uh, grow. One area that grew more than others was my clit. But I’m one hundred percent woman. I can assure you of that.”

“Oh, I have no doubt you’re a woman. I was just, ahem, taken aback by that. It’s very large. I’m sorry I thought it was a penis,” I apologetically say.

“Don’t apologize, darling. It’s okay. This is your first time seeing a lady bodybuilder completely naked, right?”

“In person, yes.”

“There you go. This is a first experience for you. You’ve also never had sex before. So let’s change that. Get up.”

I stand up immediately. Talk about a height difference! Cindi towers over me, like a child talking to his mother. Before I can process the Oedipal ramifications of that thought, Cindi cups my face and kisses me again. Her vibrant tongue sweeps across my inner cheek as if my mouth was one giant ice cream cone. Even her tongue is powerful.

After our lips part, Cindi kisses my left cheek and makes her way down my neck and to my upper chest. The feel of her soft lips against my skin makes me tremble. I let out a sigh of pleasure when her tongue explores the inside of my bellybutton.

“That’s nice,” I say to her.

“Shhhhhh,” she says back.

Now on her knees, Cindi licks both my kneecaps like they’re the tastiest part of my body. My erection is standing straight at attention waiting for anything to happen. Finally, Cindi does what I’ve only dreamed of a woman doing: She tickles my scrotum with her fingers and lightly pricks my testicles with her long fingernails. I squirm with delight. If this is what foreplay is like, how could guys not like it?

In a moment I will always remember, Cindi slowly strokes her tongue up my hardened shaft. I feel a hundred thousand goosebumps erupt across my whole body. As the tip of her tongue reaches the sensitive tip of my penis, she extends her right hand and grips the base of my manhood with her index finger and thumb. I close my eyes in order to take in the entire sensual experience. She experiments with a single soft squeeze when suddenly-

Uh oh.

Oh shit!

Unexpectedly, I come and squirt semen all across her face. Cindi gasps and almost falls backwards. My knees start to jerk but I somehow manage to stay on my feet.

As my spasms subside, I look down at Cindi. Her face is completely covered in my semen. Oh. My. God. Did this just happen?

“Oh shit. Holy, God…oh no,” I say, rambling on incoherently.

Cindi catches a drop of my semen dripping off her forehead with her index finger. She stares at me. I stare back at her. There’s a long, awkward pause.

Then she burst into laughter.

Uncontrollable laughter. The kind of laughter reserved for a hilarious comedian telling the funniest joke in the world. The sort of laughter that will leave your belly aching and your throat sore for hours. That kind of laughter.

Cindi falls backwards and guffaws uproariously on the floor for what seemed like five minutes. In reality it was probably for only one minute, but it seems like an eternity. But there I stand, like an idiot, watching an unbelievably muscular woman with my sperm smeared across her face laughing hysterically at my expense.

“I….am so sorry, Ryan! This is TOO FUNNY!”

Uh huh. I can see that. Clearly.

“That’s okay,” I mumble.

Only now can I fully process what just happened. I prematurely ejaculated. Like a twelve-year-old boy. Like a teenager losing his virginity to the prettiest girl at school. This is stuff that high school boys don’t do. This is middle school crap. I just pulled what a middle school punk is expected to do.

How fucking embarrassing is that???

You know I’m really upset when I use the “F” word. Really upset.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to die right now. I want to become invisible, gather my clothes, storm out of this house and never return to this city. I never again want to look at Cindi out of fear that she’ll start to laugh at me again. I want to shrivel up and decompose like a corpse. I feel about as lively as a corpse at the moment.

Finally, Cindi’s laughter abates and she gets up with my semen still covering her face. I’m guessing some of her tears from laughing have been mixed into it by now.

“I’m going to wash this off,” she announces to me, still giggling like a schoolgirl.

“Go ahead.”

Cindi turns around and heads to her bedroom’s bathroom. She turns on the faucet and rinses my sperm-rich fluid off her visage. I still can’t believe this shit. I prematurely ejaculated. Isn’t this stuff that only happens in fiction?

She leaves the bathroom holding a tissue. She coughs a bit as a result of her laughing so much.

“I’m so sorry I laughed at you like that. It’s just that…the last time I saw that happen was when I was thirteen. The boy who did it was also thirteen. But you’re…”

“Twenty-three.”

“Twenty-three. Wow. Ten years older than that boy I knew. Sheesh. I’m so sorry. I can be a terrible person at times.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m obviously embarrassed, but I’ll have to admit, it was pretty funny.”

“You don’t look amused.”

“Would you be if you were in my situation?”

“No…I suppose not. Here, let me clean you off. It’s the least I can do.”

By now my penis has shrunk to the size of a short pencil. I guess it’s as embarrassed by that little snafu as I am. Cindi graciously wipes off the tip of my penis the small remaining amount of semen still oozing out. She even cleans up a small drip that fell on my right foot.

“You should…clean yourself up…yourself.”

“Good idea.”

I take the tissue and proceed to her bathroom. I close the door and toss the tissue in a trash can sitting next to the toilet. I look at myself in the mirror and cannot believe the face staring back at me. I’m Ryan Takahashi. Granted, a virgin, but a smart and savvy virgin. This shit isn’t supposed to happen to me! And not in front of a sexually experienced woman like Cindi North! Who has enough muscle mass for a family of four. Son of a bitch.

I lift the toilet seat, urinate, wipe off my little penis with toilet paper and flush. Afterward I wash my hands and look to my left to see an artistic photograph of a black African couple making love. They look very happy. The man looks very confident and sexually dynamic. The total opposite of me. I notice his very large penis ramming into the woman’s vagina and the look of ecstasy on her face. I doubt I’ll ever make Cindi react that way.

To my right is another photograph, probably by the same artist, of a naked ethnically-ambiguous man striking a dramatic pose in front of a marble statue resembling Leonardo da Vinci’s “David.” His penis if flaccid but it looks huge. I look down at my small Asian penis in shame. Not only am I small down there, but I went off prematurely when by now we should be in the throes of passion. What luck I turn out to have.

I finally open the door and see Cindi doing pull-ups from a pull-up bar hanging between a door frame. I guess I never noticed it there until now. Her large back muscles bulge wildly with every individual pull-up. She hears me come in and stops.

“Don’t mind me. I’m just getting some extra exercise in,” she says.

“Go for it. You’re a bodybuilder. Building your body is what you do for a living.”

There is an uncomfortable moment silence as Cindi finishes her set. Breathing steadily, Cindi releases the bar and lands on her feet. She turns around and wipes a drip of sweat off her brow. We look at each other, the memory of what just transpired fresh in our collective minds. Do we directly acknowledge what just happened, or do we proceed forward and let bygones be bygones?

“Look, Ryan, don’t be embarrassed. These sort of things happen.”

I guess she’s deciding to address this situation head-on.

“It’s okay. I am humiliated, but at least this will stay between us. You don’t have a hidden video camera anywhere, do you?”

“No, no hidden cameras anywhere. Trust me, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. That goes for all my lovers, including you. This stays between you and me.”

“Lover?”

“Yes, I consider every man and woman I take to bed to be a lover of mine. I think we should consider more people to be our lovers. Our society forces us to be too picky about these things.”

“Yeah. I’m honored you consider me to be like that.”

Silence.

“Ryan, look at me.”

I’m staring at the floor shamefully. I didn’t even realize I was doing that.

“Yes?”

“It’s okay. Just take a deep breath and relax. This happens to every guy at some point in their life. Some more than others. This is something we’ll both laugh at months from now.”

“I don’t know. You didn’t hesitate to laugh your ass off just now.”

“God, I feel so horrible about that. I shouldn’t have laughed at you like that. It’s just…part of the reason why I laughed was because what you just did to me is sort of…a turn-on.”

A turn-on? Me ejaculating on her face? Isn’t that called a “facial?” Whoa there…

“A turn-on for you? You like it, when…”

“When a man comes on my face? Yes, I think it’s incredibly sexy. It’s a little fetish of mine. Oh, alright, it’s a rather big fetish of mine. I’ve done it many times before and it still gives me a special erotic feeling nothing else can. So thank you. Thanks.”

She’s thanking me for coming prematurely? I guess this is a blessing in disguise!

“You’re welcome.”

Our eyes meet. I stare deep into her soul. I like this woman. And she apparently likes me back. Where the hell is this “relationship” going to go? I keep forgetting that we only met less than an hour ago. Oh, how time flies.

“If you still feel a wee bit embarrassed, I completely understand. But you can do something that will make up for it.”

My ears perk up instantly. Redemption? I get the chance to prove to her that I am indeed a man? I like where this is going.

“What?”

“Please me…orally.”