The Adventures of Ryan Takahashi: Chapter One – A Friday Night on Craigslist

It was a dream come true.

There it was, right in front of me on Craigslist. A personal ad that was almost too good to be true. So good, I’m almost positive it’s a joke.

Nothing could be this perfect. Nothing at all. This was the equivalency of a billion dollars falling from the sky and landing right in my lap with no one around to fight me for it. Heck, this was WAY better than that.

The ad reads:

“FBB seeking young Asian male for a night of NSA sex. Please send pic of yourself and I will send you a pic right back.”

If my knowledge of acronyms is correct, “FBB” stands for “female bodybuilder” and “NSA” stands for “no strings attached” (it also stands for “National Security Agency,” but somehow I doubt this has anything to do with protecting the home front).

So there you have it. Supposedly, there is a female bodybuilder in my area who’s specifically looking for a young Asian male for a night of no strings attached sex. This is too good to be true (I think I’ve said this before). This is just like a billion boxes of take-out teriyaki falling from the sky and not a single person around to laugh at this horrible stereotype.

So here I sit at my computer desk reading this particular Craigslist ad on a Friday evening. The time is currently 7:21 p.m. I decide to respond to the ad.

There’s a photo of me that my mom took last month during our family vacation to Hawaii. It has me with my shirt off wearing a swimsuit. I think I look fairly decent in it, so this will do. I’ll omit the fact that my mom took it. I don’t think women find that particularly flattering in a man.

My name is Ryan Takahashi. I’m 23 years old and a recent college graduate still looking for a full-time job. I have a part-time job as a janitor at a gym; a position quite suited for someone with a degree in history (please note my sarcasm). If this woman is local, it’s possible I may have seen her at the gym. But that seems doubtful. I haven’t seen any female bodybuilders there. I’ve seen some guys who look like bodybuilders, but none of the female persuasion. Maybe she works out somewhere else.

Or maybe she’s lying. Maybe “she” is some teenage kid who thinks it’ll be funny to pose as a muscular lady to entice some poor schmuck like me into sending them a tacky-looking photo. I sure hope not.

Here’s what my e-mail message to this woman looks like:

Dear FBB,

My name is Ryan and I am responding to your Craigslist ad. I am a 23-year-old Japanese American male who is single and ready to meet someone new. You sound like an interesting person judging from your ad and your specific needs. I’ve attached a photograph of myself that I hope shows off what I look like. I hope I fit what a woman like you is looking for in a man.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Ryan

This sounds genuine enough. I tell her just enough about myself and don’t sound desperate. I refer to her as a “woman” instead of a “girl,” something that should score huge points for me. If I learned one thing in college, it’s that in our post-feminist society, calling an adult woman a “girl” is a sure ticket to being labeled as a misogynist (or some other similar euphemism). I guess I’m more aware of these things than most people.

Now all I have to do is click “send.”

Deep breath. Calm down, Ryan. What’s the worst that could happen? You’re using an alternate e-mail account separate from your personal one. If she’s a fraud, so what? Just don’t give her your bank account number. If she thinks you’re butt ugly, move on and pretend like this never happened. Drink a few shots of whiskey and call it a night. There’s no pressure in clicking “send.”

Whew.

Here goes nothing.

Click.

Your Message Has Been Sent.

Bingo.

Now the waiting game begins. What should I do?

Play video games? Jog around the block a few times? Take a shower? Watch something on Netflix? Waste time on YouTube? Explore what’s on Technorati? I could read a book.

Wow. Books. There’s something I haven’t picked up in a while. And that’s embarrassing considering I’m a history major. Maybe this explains why I work at a dead-end part-time job doing work they mostly give to people who can’t speak English. Maybe the hiring manager assumed English was my second language. That’s probably it. Bastard.

“I think I’ll take a shower,” I say out loud to myself.

I get up and push my chair into my desk. I strip naked and dump my clothes in front of my bed. I then walk into the bathroom, turn on the ceiling fan and look at myself in the full-body mirror.

Looking good, Ryan. Looking good.

“Does this female bodybuilder have a better body than me? Ha. It’s doubtful,” I say sarcastically to my reflection. My reflection seems to be in on the joke.

Thinking about the possibility of having sex with an FBB is enough to give me an erection. My penis slowly grows and stands upright at attention. I look down at my little penis that’s decided to come to life. Cute little thing. Will you get any action in the near future? We’ll see.

Dear God, having sex with an FBB would be awesome! Just imagine licking those big, hard bulging muscles while her thick, massive body surrounds me like a blanket. Then she lifts me up and plops me onto the bed as she goes down on me like a wild animal. Her massive body grinds into me like a bulldozer. Her wet vagina and enlarged clitoris enveloping my penis unmercifully. Her vaginal muscles are so strong I can feel her climax from head to toe. Her-

“I should probably take this shower before I come all over the floor.”

I turn on the hot water, close the shower curtains and clean off the grime of the day.

During my shower all I can think about is whether this mysterious Craigslist character will respond. Will it be some lame automatic response that clearly isn’t a real person? That would suck big time. Or will it be written in broken English by someone who doesn’t even live in the United States? That would also suck. I hope I don’t have to wait until tomorrow evening. Or next week. That would suck even more.

After my shower I choose not to put on my clothes and instead walk around completely naked. I love doing this after a shower. My body feels clean and I want to go about the rest of my business in my birthday suit. It can be a very liberating feeling.

As I began to wash some of the dishes in my sink, I hear a “ding” sound from my computer. This sound means I have a new e-mail in my inbox.

Holy crap! It could be her!

I placed the dishes back into the sink and race toward my computer. Sure enough, I do have a new e-mail message. There’s no subject line. And it’s from a “Cindi North.”

Cindi North? Never heard of this woman. My heart rate increases rapidly as I open her message.

Her e-mail reads as follows:

Dear Ryan,

I’m glad you responded to my Craigslist message! My name is Cindi and I would love to chat with you online sometime! I can’t tonight because I’m going to be busy early tomorrow morning, but if you could be on Gmail at 8:00 tomorrow night, we could get to know each other.

Hugs and kisses. XOXO

Thank you for sending me a pic. You look very handsome. Here’s a pic of me also at the beach. Enjoy! Good night, Ryan.

Love,

Cindi

P.S.: Are you married? I hope you’re not. I don’t like drama.

She seems nice. And the message seems like it was written by a real person, not a computerized program. Now I have to open her photo.

Catching my breath, I hover the mouse over the JPEG photo and click on it.

The image opens in a new window and fills nearly the entire screen. I look at it eagerly.

Damn.

No, seriously. Damn.

Damn.

Damn!

DAMN!!!

DAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She’s gorgeous! And very muscular! She’s perfect! There’s no doubt she’s an FBB.

Looking at her photo literally steals my breath. I take a deep inhale, exhale and look at the picture again.

She’s wearing sunglasses and a skimpy red bikini. She’s standing on a white sandy beach on a perfect sunny day. I can’t tell where she is, but she is the only person in the photo. It’s difficult to say how tall she is because there’s no one around to compare her with. She looks anywhere between 5’3” and 5’8”. I could be totally wrong about this.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She has long dark brown hair and tanned skin. She appears to be Caucasian but could have some Hispanic in her. She doesn’t appear to be mixed race, but her tanned skin could be due to being in the sun too long. It’s a full body shot and exposes her entire figure. And what a figure she has!

Her entire body is covered in enormous, bulging muscles. Her biceps look like they could bend steel. Her legs appear to be as thick as tree stumps. Her six-pack abs look delicious and ready for me to stroke my tongue across. She has very small breasts which could be explained by repeated steroid use. She’s fantastically muscular and veiny all over. I like what I’m seeing.

She appears to be in her early 40s, maybe late 30s. Her dark brown hair might have some gray in it, but that could be the sun’s reflection. Then again, she could be coloring her hair. She’s definitely not in her 20s.

This Cindi woman looks very delectable! I would make love to her in an instant. I look down at my penis and see that it has hardened again. This is definitely an image that I can masturbate to in a few minutes. Not only is it hot that I’m looking at her gorgeous figure, but the fact that she just communicated with me is turning me on even more!

This beautiful muscular woman wants to have sex with me and even called me “handsome?”

SWOON!

I like her already.

I immediately turn off all the lights and leave her image on the computer screen. I pull back the covers on my bed and get in. I open my dresser drawer and take out a condom (yes, I keep a stash of condoms for the purposes of masturbation). I rip open the package, take out the condom and wrap it around my very hard penis. I toss the package in the waste basket and start rubbing my penis against the bed facing down. I look up and stare at her picture. I image her buff body pounding into my smaller body as we kiss and explore each other with our hands.

My hips move right to left at a quicker pace and I feel my orgasm build as I continue to grind my penis into the mattress. As I imagine her tongue exploring the inside of my mouth, I climax and feel several strong pulses of semen release from my manhood. My hips slow down and I collapse onto the bed with my face buried into the pillow. I catch my breath. I look up at the computer and still see Cindi’s beautiful body looking back at me. Then my computer goes into the screensaver.

Shit. Oh, well. I’m done anyway.

I get out of bed, turn on the light and pull the condom off my sagging penis. I dispose of it in the toilet, urinate, wash my hands and turn off the lights as I switch off my computer.

I definitely can’t wait for 8 p.m. tomorrow night.

I collapse into bed and immediately fall asleep.

Happy dreams are sure to follow.